


The Not So Great Adventures of Keith and his Cryptid Boyfriend

by WeirdSpaceGeek



Series: Sleep Deprived Writing [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Archer Reference, Dear Chuck help me, He has no clue what is going on, I was so tired when i wrote this and it probably doesnt make any sense, Keith is a fanboy, Lance is mothman, Lot of cussing, M/M, So many musical and supernatural references, They're Youtubers now i guess, Why do i have the urge to write weird shit when im tired, im trash, what did i write
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2018-12-12 20:28:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 11,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11744583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeirdSpaceGeek/pseuds/WeirdSpaceGeek
Summary: "I think Lance is a good name for you. It's the name of my pet goldfish that died when I was seven.""..."In which Lance is Mothman. Keith captures him and declares him as his boyfriend. While Lance has no fucking clue what's going on.





	1. HE'S REAL AND SAYS FUCK YOU TO THE NONBELIEVERS!

**The Not So Great Adventures of Keith and his Cryptid Boyfriend**

_**Keith's Pov** _

_**  
** _

I'm not obsessed, really. So what I managed to fall in love with a being that may or may not be real along with him not knowing of my existence. I mean Shiro had a crush on Kagome from Inuyasha. He has no right to judge!

But I finally have proof that he's real. It's been a year but I finally found him. After collecting data and even running into the occasional dead ends I managed to track him down. Mothman.

Which leads me to this predicament. In the middle of the woods, alone, and Mothman just a few feet away from me as I hide behind a tree. He's standing nearby a lake.

I'm fucking screaming on the inside.

I tried to get Pidge to help but they got sick. What bullshit is that I thought as I looked down at my messages.

 **Mothman's husband:** Hey loser we're going to find my husband.  
_Read 3:15_

 **Gremlin:** it's 3 in the fucking morning  
_Sent 3:16_

 **Mothman's husband:** Language  
_Read 3:16_

 **Gremlin** : Oh sorry Shiro! I mean it's 3 in the fluffing morning you fucking asshole  
_Sent 3:18_

 **Mothman's husband:** Seriously though I found him. Grab your shit  
_Read 3:20_

 **Gremlin** : I'm sick. Tell me when you find him. Send pictures.  
_Sent 3:21_

 **Mothman's husband** : bullshit your not sick  
_Read 3:21_

 **Gremlin** : I'm hurting emotionally over the fact that I saw Shiro and Matt dab in front of my teachers  
_Sent 3:22_

I started to text Pidge about my discovery of my husba- I mean Mothman.

 **Mothman's husband:** I see him Pidge. He drinking motherfucking water and it's majestic.  
_Sent 5:43_

After pressing send I looked around the tree to see Mothman staring at me.

Oh my god. He noticed my existence.

Fuck me gently with a chainsaw and call me Heather don't fuck this up Keith.

I took a couple of steps in his direction. Mothman just stood in place stiff hesitating in escaping. Slowly I make my way to him in a non threatening way and once I was two feet away from him I tried to speak.

"W-Will you be my huban- I mean boyfriend..."

Nailed it.

"..." Mothman tilted his head sideways.

He's confused obviously. Guess he doesn't understand English. But a language barrier isn't going to stand in the way of my man.

"I'm Keith." I say pointing to myself.

Mothman tilted his head in the opposite direction. Just as I was about to speak again he started to say something.

"Keef." He pointed at me.

"Keith."

"Keef."

"Keith."

"Keefth."

"Good enough for me."

Suddenly a brilliant idea popped into my head.

I raised the middle finger and showed it to him. Without a second thought Mothman raised up his middle finger.

"Yes! That's perfecting! Stay still!" I grabbed my phone and opened up the camera.

"Say FUCK THE NON BELIEVERS MOTHMAN!"

Okay he didn't understand. Cool.

I quickly snapped a picture of mothman with the middle finger and sent it to Pidge.

"Okay so Mothman say Keef if you'll be my boyfriend." I then pointed at myself again.

"Keef."

"You are officially my boyfriend. When you say my name correctly we will get married."

I gently grabbed his wrist and led him to my motorcycle.

"If this relationship is happening maybe giving you a name instead of Mothman will be good."

I turned my head to look at Mothman's face. He looks so confused. Maybe I shouldn't take him out of the woods...Or maybe I'll disguise him as human so I could protect him from possible cryptid hunters.

Yeah the second option sounds way better. For him obviously.

"I think Lance is a good name for you. It's the name of my pet goldfish that died when I was seven."  


"..."


	2. 110% Done

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiro and Pidge meet Keith's boyfriend. Shiro is 110% done.

**The Not So Great Adventures of Keith and his Cryptid Boyfriend**

 

"What the absolute fuck, Keith." Shiro said while wearing the shirt that I bought him that says '110% done'.

All I wanted to do was introduce Shiro and Pidge to my boyfriend. Considering the fact that they would have found out anyway since we all live together.

"Holy shit you actually captured him." Pidge says impressed as they clean their glasses.

"You doubted me?" I for one was offended that they doubted my cryptid searching skills since they are top notch.

"No...let's just say your cryptid searching is 7 out of 10 at best while my skills are 100 out of 10."

Wait hold the phone. Did they just-

"That's not the point Pidge. The point is that he," Shiro pointed to Lance, " cannot stay here."

Pidge and I gasp. Both of us thinking how can he deny the mothman! Look at him!

Tall, big fanfiction blue eyes, and fucking wings. If this isn't husband material I don't know what is.

"Shiro he's my husband."

"You said he was your boyfriend."

"Future husband. Same difference."

Shiro facepalmed.

"Please Shiro! We are saving him from those horrid cryptid Hunters that want to capture him! We can protect him by teaching him how to act like a human."

"Aren't you a cryptid hunter?"

"Noooo..."

"You literally just captured Mothman claiming he's your boyfriend but does he even know what the hell is going on."

All at once we turned to look at Lance. He was staring intently at the lamps that lit up the living room in our house.

Alright. Fine. Time to bring out the big guns. I nodded my head towards Pidge.

Pidge pulled out their phone scrolling through their photos.

"If Mothman can-"

"Lance. His name is Lance."

"If Lance can-"

"You named him after your dead fish?"

"Stop talking over me! Okay, ahem, if Lance can stay here with Keith then I won't show Allura an embarrassing video of you."

"No amount of blackmail is going to change my min-"

Pidge started to play the video and all I'm going to say is that thank god that wasn't me in the video.

Shiro's eyes dramatically widened "He can stay! Just don't ever..."

"You got yourself a deal!" I swore I just saw a sparkle appear on Pidge's glasses.

Okay... I'm living with weirdos. Man can a normal cryptid loving fanatic just live in peace with their cryptid boyfriend. Is that so hard to ask for?

Am I living in some weird ass fanfiction where only the mind of a tired fucking teenager running on coffee is creating my actions against my will? Hey author give me a-

"Keith! Earth to Keith!" Pidge why are you interrupting my inner dialogue.

"What?"

"You zoned out. What were you thinking about?"

"I was trying to break the fourth wall." I say nonchalantly.

"What are you talking about, Keith? Whatever back on topic. Why exactly do you like Lance so much? Half of his face is that of a fucking moth!"

Gurl did he just judge my taste in husbands. Bitch you just crossed the line. I don't care how sharp your eyeliner is I will cut you.

"Ohhhh Space Dad is cussing! That's when you know it's serious."

"First of all, Shiro only his eyes resemble that of a moth when it comes to his face. Second of all are you Mcfucking blind to Mothman's beauty! His eyes are like the ocean and have you seen that booty!"

Legit I can make a twenty page list of why Lance is perfect husband material.

"You know what. I'm done. 110% done. I am to tired for this."

With that said Space Daddy went to his room and shut the door.

"So Pidge wanna help me get some human #lit clothes fam?"

" ...Fuck it I have nothing better to do. And never say that again."

Thus our adventure to the thrift store started.

**Next time on Not So Great Adventures of Keith and his Cryptid Boyfriend! (God damn that's a long ass title)**

_**Lance's pov** _

Okay sooo...we are in another building. That's fine? I guess.

...

Why did the black haired human squeeze my butt?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shiro's video includes regrets and alcohol. The best combination for this space dad.
> 
> It's about 8 in the morning and I should of went to sleep instead I chose to write this mess.


	3. Thrift store shopping 101

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How to get kicked out of a thrift store without even trying.

**Not So Great Adventures of Keith and his Cryptid Boyfriend**

**(Not really)Fun fact about this universe: Keith had been adopted into the Shirogane family when he was four.**

I'M GONNA POP SOME TAGS ONLY GOT-

"Pidge turn off that song!"

"But it goes so well with the situation!"

Ughhh. Currently we are going to a thrift shop with Thrift Shop blasting through the speakers courtesy of Pidge.

I'm pretty sure Lance tried to fly away because of the volume but couldn't because he doesn't know how to unbuckle the seat belt.

I'm debating on whether or not I should teach him how to use the seat belt.

"Keith watch the flap jacking road!"

"I am Pidge."

"Nope your ogling your boyfriend who I believe is trying to escape. Rightfully so."

"Are you implying that I'm a bad boyfriend?"

"Do you even know what he eats?"

Pidge: 1  Keith: 0

Fuck you imaginary scoreboard.

"Actually I do know what he eats."

"What is it then?"

Okay make something up. Keith got any ideas? Fuck no. Wow Keith you're a fucking asshole. Keith?

...

Wow Keith we are such geniuses!

"Hey Keith! What is up with you!" Pidge snapped her fingers in front of my face.

"I'm totally paying attention to the road!" Nice one Keith.

"We're going to die...Never trust Keith to drive a car. He can only ride a motorcycle!"

"I can drive perfectly!"

"Bitch where are we going then! I'm pretty sure we passed the thrift store ten time!"

Oh shit their right. Ironically I look to the right and I see the thrift store.

"Pidge I was just testing your sense of direction."

"This bitch is testing me." Pidge whispered under their breath.

Finally I pull up to the thrift store. As I get out of the drivers seat I opened the passengers door for Lance. He's still struggling with his seat belt. My poor baby is so cute even when he's confused!

"Lance calm down. You're fine. How about we get you some clothes, okay?" I said gently to #1 husband material.

"Keef?" Lance stopped pulling on the seat belt and sat still.

I pushed the button on the seat belt and Lance was amazed.

"Keef!" Lance lunged at me while wrapping his arms around my torso.

I've been blessed. Lance is hugging me. Oh my lord. He's rubbing his face into my neck. This is better then the day Shiro caught his high school on fire during home ec. What would make this even greater...

I squeezed his booty. Totally worth it.

"Aww look at the lovely couple...Now get the fuck away from eachother and let's buy some clothes." Way to ruin a bonding moment Pidge.

We all strolled into the thrift store and saw a lot of random shit.

"Why did we choose a thrift store?"

"Cause the mall only had stores that made shirts that are thirty dollars."

Oh yeah.

...

Okay everything happened so suddenly. We were looking at the clothes here and actually bought some.

When we were paying the worker he happened to have put on his glasses and well flipped his shit when he saw Lance.

Literally shit. Pidge and I could smell it. One thing led to another and now the cops are here I guess.

Police cars started to surround the building.

"Put your hands where we can see them!" A cop shouted from the police car as he got out.

"Listen this is a big misunderstanding!" Pidge shouted.

"Keef?" Oh my poor hubb- boyfriend.

"What we understand is that there's is an unidentifiable creature here!" The cop shouted again.

The volume of the noise and hostility made Lance's wing twitch in fear. Lance grabbed onto the sleeve of my jacket. I could feel him shaking a bit.

No one makes my future hubby scared.

Someone is going to the hospital.

Pidge looked at me and I'm pretty sure connected to my brain as we had a mental conversation.

_"Keith don't do it."_

_"Keith yes."_

_"Keith no."_

Before I could take action Pidge started to yell to the cops.

"He's a cosplayer!"

"..."

"..."

"Well why didn't you say so before!" One of the cops yelled in response.

Then they left.

What the fuck.

"Let's pretend that never happened and go buy some food." Pidge walked towards the car.

"Yeah let's do that."

I led Lance to the car and buckled him up. Once we were all seated a silence fell in between the three of us.

"..."

I decided to break the silence as I started up the car.

"So garlic knots?"

 


	4. Mom's spaghetti

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pidge teaches Lance how to rap. Shiro is still 110% done. Also Keith is thanking the hippo gods

**The Not So Great Adventures of Keith and his Cryptid Boyfriend**

**(Not Really) Fun fact about this universe: Lance used to know how to use English but because he didn't need to use it for a long time and he eventually forgot about it.**

 

"IT'S THE MOTHERFUCKING 'P' FOR PIDGEY!" Pidge tried to rap.

"This isn't how you teach English to a cryptid!" I say exasperated.

Okay so we didn't have a good start. That's fineee. But at least I bought these children's video guide to the alphabet to hopefully help.

"A is for Apple! Now say apple..."

"Ayeeple!"

"...Good job!"

This process lasted till Z. Suprising he caught on really quickly.

"Keith he's pretty good with the alphabet. Maybe it's finally time..."

"Pidge what do you mean?"

Pidge just shushed me and went over to Lance.

"Lance repeat after me, okay?"

Lance nodded happily.

"His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti."

No. Just no.

"Pidge he's not going to-"

"His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy-"

Lance decided to prove me the fuck wrong.

"-there's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti!"

Pidge looked me dead in the eye and smirked.

Pidge: 2  Keith: -1

The imaginary scoreboard makes a fucking comeback.

"I believe I know more about your boyfriend then you do."

Unbelievable. They're implying I'm a bad boyfriend for my man. This...I feel so betrayed.

"I know he likes garlic knots!"

"Yeah I know that too. We literally bought it last night after the...whole thrift shop fiasco."

Yeah...Luckily Shiro doesn't and will never know of that situation.

"Keef! Keef!"

Lance looked excited. He was literally twitching his wings from excitement.

"What is it Lance?" I questioned.

"I love Keef!"

An imaginary arrow went through my fluffing heart. This is the best thing that had happened in my life along side the time that some animal channel did a whole episode on hippos. Maybe the hippo gods are finally giving me luck?

God bless them hippos.

"I love-" I was about to reply to Lance.

"Ahem."

Who the fuck thinks they can interrupt our motherfucking moment. I turned to look towards the person who interrupted me.

Shiro.

You cock blocking-

"Keith and Pidge don't you have classes today?"

"What?"

"School. Classes. Studying."

"Umm. I'm drawing a blank here. What's a school? And studying? Never heard of them."

"Don't make me use my dad voice on you."

"Daddy!" Lance exclaimed.

...

"What did you call Shiro?"

"Daddy!"

I was shocked and Shiro was...speechless. I looked next to Lance to see Pidge cackling.

"God damn it Pidge! What the fuck!"

"Hey! What I taught him is fantastic!"

"You're corrupting him!"

Shiro's hands were together like he was praying along with his forehead touching the tips of his fingers. He looked like those memes. He's a living meme.

"I'm going to rethink all of my life choices. Also Lance."

"Yes?"

"Please call me Shiro."

"Okie dokie!"

**Next time on Not So Great Adventures of Keith and his Cryptid Boyfriend!**

"Sooo why are we going on a road trip?" Pidge questioned.

"To get away from life and all of its struggles? I don't know I just wanted to."

"What about your job and school?" Shiro reminded us.

"I quit my part time job since the customers were fucking stupid. And I told Iverson to go fuck himself. So I'm suspended."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I wasn't as tired as usual when I was writing so this chapter is more calm then the others.


	5. Road trip?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically just Supernatural references.

**The Not So Great Adventures of Keith and his Cryptid Boyfriend**

**(Not Really) Fun fact about this universe: Allura is the CEO of Altea Industry. And Shiro met Allura when he was hired to be one of her personal bodyguards.**

"Pidge and Shiro get in the car losers we're going road tripping."

"Okay." Pidge shrugged their shoulders.

Shiro had a look of resignation as he went into the passenger seat of the 1967 Chevy Impala.

Well that was easier then what I imagined it would be.

"We could of taken my car. You know one with actual car speakers."

"Fuck you Shiro. Don't insult impala like that."

I grabbed a few bags filled with Shiro and Pidge's stuff.

Imaginary checklist:

1.) Clothes.  
Check.

2.) Toothbrush and toothpaste.  
Check.

3.) Money.  
Check.

4.) Water, food, and solo cups like in those teenage movies.  
Check.

5.) Chargers and phones.  
Yep.

I feel like I'm missing something. But I'm pretty sure I got everything down.

"Keef! Keef!"

I turned my head to the locked front door of my home. Oh. My. Lord. I almost forgot Lance. My baby!

"Lance! I'm coming for you baby!"

I opened the front door and it was like a dramatic scene in a movie. Everything was in slow motion as he jumped towards me and tangled his arms to lay around my neck.

"Keef! Miss you!"

"I missed you too!"

From the car I could hear gagging coming from the one and only Pidge.

"Gag me with a spoon. Hurry up and get your ass in here. Bitch, we don't need front row seats to your love fest."

"Also the front door was closed for about ten minutes."

"Shiro! Mothmen obviously don't have a sense of time like humans." Pidge replied.

"Aren't you taking about dogs."

"Ehh. Tomayto. Tomahto."

"Hold the phone. Couldn't he have just opened the door himself?" Shiro had a what the fuck face.

"He said he doesn't like the cold feeling of the door knob."

"Oh."

I led Lance to the backseat next to Pidge and buckled him in.

"Sooo why are we going on a road trip?" Pidge questioned as I go onto the drivers seat.

"To get away from life and all of its struggles? I don't know I just wanted to."

"What about your job and school?" Shiro reminded us.

"I quit my part time job since the customers were fucking stupid. And I told Iverson to go fuck himself. So I'm suspended."

I didn't need to look to know Shiro has a dissapointed Dad face.

"Then what about Pidge's school and my job?"

"Got it covered. Called Matt to tell the school that a family emergency occurred and that they don't know exactly how long they'll be away,"

Magically a folder full of papers appeared in my hand since I'm a fucking wizard. I can one up Harry Potter for days.

"This is Pidge's school work for one month. But knowing Pidge they can probably finish it in an hour."

"Yep." Pidge popped the 'p' as they grabbed the folder.

"And Shiro I called Allura telling her we needed 'family bonding time'. Since I know she's a sucker for that shit. Basically you get a paid vacation. Woohoo."

Turning the keys I started up the engine and drove the car out of the drive way. The first twenty minutes of driving was actually peaceful until...

_"THE DEATH OF A BACHELOR!"_

Brendon Urie's voice came blasting from the backseat. I peaked over my shoulder to see Pidge with a wireless speaker and her phone. Where the fuck did they get a wireless speaker from. All if their shit is in the trunk.

Not that I mind P!ATD I mean Brendon's voice is basically my sexuality. But I can't flip flapping jacking concentrate on the motherhugging road if I'm to into Brendon's high note.

_"SEEMS SO FITTING FOR HAPPILY EVER AFTER! OHHHH!"_

"YASSS! HIT THAT HIGH NOTE!"

Suprising it wasn't me fanboying. Like whaa?

All of our heads turn to Lance. He looked startled from all of the eyes staring at him. It is now known that Lance is a fanboy. He has been corrupted.

Turning to look at the road again I direct this sentence to Pidge.

"Brendon's majestic and delicious voice is to distracting. Also you know the rule."

"What rule?"

"Driver picks music. Passengers can shut their cakehole."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea what I'm doing.


	6. 7 Eleven is the place to be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith is actually the reasonable one for once. Lance beats up robbers and Keith thinks it's hot.

**The Not So Great Adventures of Keith and his Cryptid Boyfriend**

**(Not Really) Fun fact about this universe: Keith, Pidge, Shiro, Allura, and Coran all live in Texas in a city called Arus. Yeehaw cowboys.**

"Keith. Keith. Keith. Keith. Keith. Keithhhhh. Keithy boy." Pidge chanted.

"..."

Maybe if I ignore it they'll stop.

"KEITHHH!"

"WHAT!"

"There's a fucking 7 eleven up ahead."

"So?"

"Can you take a fucking hint and go to it."

With a sigh I head to the 7 eleven and parked the car.

"Buy your shit then we're out of here."

We all nodded at the same time and got out of the car.

Like the polite person that I am I hold the door open unlike those jackasses who let the door close right before you're about to enter.

Pidge immediately grabbed a five hour energy and headed to get a slushee. Should I be concerned? Dear lord they got the largest cup...Why are they getting a Monster too? Oh well that's future Keith's problem.

Turning to look at Shiro I see him open a bag of Lays and added the free chili and cheese into it. What the actual hell.

"Shiro what are you doing?"

I swear his head did a 180.

"I'm getting a paid vacation. I can do whatever the fuck I want."

He snapped. He finally got tired of all of our bullshit.

"Okay. Okay. Just checking on ya."

I backed away from him with my hands up.

Lancey. Lance has to be...

He's unwrapping and shoving the 7 eleven fudge brownies in his mouth. How are we not kicked out yet? Better question how is he still so fucking cute with chocolate all over his face? Keith focus!

The cashier must be in the back or something. My body moved towards the direction where the counter is.

The cashier is there and staring blankly into space. He gives no shits or he's stoned. We could probably rob him and he wouldn't care.

Not that I was thinking of robbing him. Yet.

This is what it's like the be the sensible one? I hate it.

"Keef?"

Lance tilted his head like a confused puppy.

Oh my love.

"Yeah Lance?"

"You get anything?"

I scanned the 7 eleven and decide to get a bottle of Cactus Cooler cause that's my shit.

"How about we pay for our stuff now Lance?"

He nodded his head vigorously.

"Yessh!"

Pidge already stuffed a whole bunch of snacks and energy drinks on the counter. While Shiro was eating his creation and held a plastic bag with a couple of drinks. I guess he paid for hid own stuff.

Lance then proceed to dump brownies and chocolate covered donuts onto the counter.

The cashier looked so done.

"That will be fifty dollars and sixty nine cents."

Heh. Sixty nine.

"Keith, stop laughing about the amount of money in your head and pay already."

"Why can't you pay for your own stuff Pidge?"

"Says the guy who put all of our stuff in the trunk along with not telling us which bag is ours."

"Touche."

I paid for all of our stuff and right before we walked out shit hit the fan.

When I said that a person could rob that cashier and he wouldn't care does not mean that I want it to actually happen.

Kinda.

Basically a group of four just decided to let's rob a 7 eleven! No big fucking deal and let's add guns to the mix to spice things up!

"All of you keep your hands up and we won't shoot!" A guy from the group says.

Let's call that guy Johnny cause why not?

"You!"

Another guy from the group of robbers pointed his gun in my direction. I'll call him Fred.

"Me?" I questioned.

"Give us your wallet!"

Hold on. I mean robbing the cashier is one story but trying to steal from me is another. The fuck do they think they are.

"Listen here Fred! Who the fuck do you think you are trying to steal my shit."

"Who the fuck is Fred. Just give us your wallet already and nobody has to be hurt!"

"If you-" I was starting a sentence but I cut myself off as I saw the most majestic thing ever.

Lance beat the shit out of the robbers. And it was so hot. Lance how can you be such hubby material!

My eyes have been blessed today. The hippo gods must know my kinks. Which I am both disturbed at and grateful.

"No one threatens my Keef!"

"Ten points if I see a tooth fall out!" Goddammit Pidge.

Pidge and Shiro looked impressed. The cashier is zoned out and the robbers are passed out.

What a way to start our road trip.

"So how about we rob the cashier?"

"Pidge!" Shiro scolded.

"The money's right there!"

"I mean they ain't wrong." I agreed.

"Why is it that when I'm with you guys that weird shit happens?" 

...

And that's how we got over a hundred dollars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What should be their next adventure cause I'm making this up as I go. Maybe they go to Cali and somehow become famous youtubers? Or they go to Vegas and Pidge is able to "accidently" become a millionaire?


	7. Bonus Chapter: Keith the Mothman?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An Alternate Universe and shot where Keith is Mothman. Lance is kinda laid back and even in this universe Keith is still obsessed with Lance.

**Bonus Chapter~**

**The Not So Great Adventures of Lance and his Cryptid Boyfriend???**

**Pidge's Pov**

 

"Pidge you will not believe what happened!" Lance shouted in his phone.

"This better be important since you woke me up at three in the fucking morning."

"I have Mothman in my house."

"..."

"We're besties now and I taught him how to dab."

"..."

"Check my snaps bishhh."

With that I went on snapchat and behold! Lance made a fucking snapchat with a cryptid!

Mothman is literally dabbing...Oh god, it also says #savage as fuck.

I could not believe they associate with Lance sometimes. They have a cryptid and the first thing they do is make them dab. What the fuck is wrong with their lives.

"Ahem, Lance?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't you move a muscle I'm coming over."

So when I finally arrived at Lance's home they were expecting...I don't know something more then this!

Lance was sitting on his couch while the tv played Steven Universe and Mothman was hugging Lance's arm as they both watched.

Lance turned towards the door to look at me.

"Oh hey! I was thinking of heating up some pizza rolls. Triple meat or just cheese?"

Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

"Lance you literally have a cryptid in your home. One of the few that I couldn't locate so how in the fresh titty did you find him?"

Lance shrugged.

"I don't know. I was walking in the park trying to get some fresh air and after a while I decided why not sit on a bench for a while. Then suddenly I see a dandelion and had a mental debate on whether or not I wanted to pick the dandelion. The dandelion was a couple of feet away yet so far,"

"Lance."

"Oh yeah. Well basically as I had a mental debate all of a sudden I felt someone hug my side. I was like the fuck? And boom Mothman."

"That's it? You didn't freak out?"

"Pfft! Pidge weirder shit has happened to us then this."

"True true." I replied.

"So he wouldn't let go of me and I  decided to just take him to my home. Turns out he isn't so bad so now we're besties and decided to name him Keith."

"You named him?"

"Mothman is to long for my lazy ass to say constantly."

"Says the one who talks 24/7."

Lance had put a hand to his heart and let out a fake gasp.

"I am offended! You wound me Pidge! Keith catch me!"

Since Lance was already sitting on the couch he just decided to make his body from the torso up fall into Keith's lap.

Keith let out a squeak as half of Lance's body fell into his lap. Keith then hugged Lance's head.

"That's kinda cute? Ew." I thought.

"Why does he have a bond to you already?"

"Dunno. He already proclaimed his love for me already." Lance chuckled a bit.

Wait hold the phone.

"His love?"

"Yeah it was cute. I think maybe this is his first time interacting with a human and considers me as his family!"

This dense motherfucker. I should tell Hunk about this. Maybe after he gets over the shock we could set a betting pool.

"Oh shit this is my jam!"

Peace and love (on the planet Earth) started to play.

"Pidge sing Peridot's part!"

"I'm not going to sing."

"But Pidgeeeeeeee!"

"No."

"Asdfghjklzgclj."

Triggered. As Lance and Keith continue to watch Steven Universe I went to the kitchen to make a phone call.

"Hey Hunk can't explain now but write this down."

"Pidge it's almost four in the morning?" Hunk says groggily.

"Sorry Hunk but it's important."

"What is it?"

"Okay write this down. Klance betting pool. Twenty bucks on hand holding in three days."

"Should I be concerned?"

"Only if you want to be apart of the betting pool. I was going to get Shiro on this too."

"...I need detail."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I just wrote this oneshot thingy a whim. Dunno what I was thinking.


	8. Vegas! The Place To Lose Money!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somehow they ended up in Vegas? Keith and Lance chill while Pidge is having the time of their life. Most of the chapter is Shiro just like why?

**The Not So Great Adventures of Keith and his Cryptid Boyfriend**

**(Not Really) Fun fact about this universe: Pidge has a lot of good luck. Enough said.**

  
"Vegas! The place where people go to get broke!"

How many hours has it been that I've been driving? How did we even get to Vegas! Maybe closing our eyes and pointing to a place on a map that we took from a hotel lobby isn't the best way to choose our destinations.

I pulled up to this Casino/hotel place. When all of us got inside the lobby I saw a glimpse of that...

"Shiro don't you dare go to the slot machines!"

"Why not?"

"You have the worst luck out of all of us." I stated.

"True." Pidge agreed.

"I do not!"

Holding Lance's hand I decided to check into a room for us.

"Hello what can I-" The lady at the desk paused when she saw Lance.

"Don't worry he's just a cosplayer!" I assured her. The lady let a breath of relief out.

"Sorry! I was just startled. That's one good cosplay of...?"

"Mothman. He's the best cryptid in the World! Wait in the whole universe! He's-"

Shit I'm babbling.

"Ahem, I mean can we book a room. Actually two rooms, yeah."

One room from Shiro and Pidge. And the other for Lance and I. Maybe I'll be able to romance it up with Lance. Or maybe Lance will say my name properly and we can get married in Vegas!

Lance Kogane.

Yep. I like that ring to it.

"We have two rooms one is a double and the other is a king. Is that alright?"

"That's perfect."

"Okay the double is room 102B and the king room is 221B. Here is the keys for..."

"Keith Kogane."

I looked at her name tag.

"Thank you Shay!"

Instantly I grabbed the keys and jogged towards the elevator.

Lance was holding onto the back of my shirt and as we entered the elevator I noticed that he seemed tired.

Maybe giving Lance some time to rest is more important then casually thinking(obsessing) over our future wedding. A day of rest and cuddling won't hurt.

Pidge and Shiro can take care of themselves, hopefully.

A nagging feeling was tugging at my gut as I texted Shiro and Pidge their room number.

Ignore the feeling, Keith. Ignore it and just have this day to cuddle with Lance.

**Meanwhile with Shiro and Pidge**

**Shiro's Pov**

"Shiro I swear to god if you get anywhere near the slots you're dead to me."

"I don't have bad luck!" I replied.

"You set your school on fire during home economic when your class was making pancakes."

"You have no evidence..."

"There's literally a video of it online that trended for awhile."

"We don't speak of that."

Pidge looked around at the casino and spotted what she was looking for. Poker.

"Pidge I know what you're thinking and it's a no."

"Come on! I can so beat all of those overconfident asshats. If anyone asks I'm twenty-one."

In my head, 'This is so not a good idea. Pidge doesn't even look like an twenty-one year old. I mean when have Pidge and Keith ever come with a pleasant idea. Well if you can't beat them, join them.'

"If anyone asks your name is Matt."

Pidge just grinned evilly with that response.

"What's up bitches! Who's ready to make me a millionaire!"

_2 hours later~_

"They had to have cheated!"

"They took all of my money!"

"Oh shit they just got a jackpot on a slot machine on the first try."

One thought was going through Pidge's mind, "Okay I'm fucking amazing and rich."

I was drinking "apple juice" as things went from a zero to a one hundred.

Pidge then made a small amount of their money be converted into ones and is making it rain on strippers. Where did they come from? What the hell it's Vegas shit happens here.

The only thing that's keeping me going is my paid vacation...I would rather be at work.

Why am I even considered the adult supervision?

How is it that nobody bothered to ask for identification.

A security guard is walking up to Pidge. Shit did we get caught!

They're talking...Now the guard is taking shots. This is my life now. As long as they don't get arrested it's fineeee. Right?

Now they're signing something?

"Hey Shiro I just bought us an helicopter!"

...

Patience yields focus. 

**Back to Keith's Pov**

"Seems like they're having a party down there. Wanna see what's going on?" I asked Lance as we both woke up a couple of minutes ago. Both of us are kinda groggy.

"Nooo. Cuddle with Keef." He tiredly wined.

"Okay." Fuck yes. My heart is pounding. Lance would rather cuddle with me.

"Keef?"

"Mhmm."

"Where Pidge and Shiro?"

"They get a different room my love."

"We check on them?" Lance said. I could hear a sense of concern in his voice.

"They're fine. They probably went to their room and decided to sleep."

**Next time on Not So Great Adventures of Keith and his Cryptid Boyfriend!**

"We look crazy holding a camera and talking to it."

"We look like youtubers!"

"I'm not associated with you people."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish I had a normal sleeping schedule.


	9. For The Views!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pidge, Keith, Shiro, and Lance make a youtube channel. Pidge wants a good video for the views. Also includes a reference to a musical kinda and mystic messenger.

**The Not So Great Adventures of Keith and his Cryptid Boyfriend**

**(Not Really) Fun fact about this universe: Everyone is basically an idiot in this universe and logic doesn't apply in this universe. Anything can happen, really.**

_**Keith's pov** _

 

"This is Voltron! And welcome to our channel!" Pidge shouted to our camera as we walk the streets of Los Angeles.

"Pidge maybe making a channel isn't the best idea." Shiro commented.

"Why? I mean sure weird things happen around us and we literally have a cryptid but this could be a bonding activity!"

Pidge tried to persuade Shiro with the whole 'We can bond as a family' and it worked. Why is it that both Allura and Shiro constantly fall for that trick.

"Introduce yourself Keith!"

The camera was right in front of my face. So I decided that flipping it off was the best option while saying,

"We look crazy holding a camera and talking to it."

"We look like youtubers!"

"I'm not associated with you people."

"Keith it's a bonding experience."

Goddammit Shiro.

"Shiro, this is not a bonding activity. Pidge just wants to make mo-"

"A documentary of our lives so that we can look back to it in the future!"

_Telepathic conversation featuring Keith and Pidge:_

_Keith: We are not exploiting my husband for the view._

_Pidge: First, he's not your husband-_

_Keith: Yet._

_Pidge: Second, I'm not exploiting him. I'm just...filming him for the benefit of this family._

_Keith: You want money._

_Pidge: Bitch didn't you see me at the casino! I obviously have a talent. Let's make a deal. How about I give you 30% of the profit._

_Keith: Make it fifty fifty._

_Pidge: sixty to forty._

_Keith: Deal._

"Keef? You okay?" Lance tugged on the hem of my shirt.

"Huh? Yeah I was just about to agree with Pidge on the vlogs." I got out of my dazed state from the telepathic conversation.

"I thought you said you didn't want to do it?"

"Changed my mind."

I looked at Shiro to see one eyebrow raised at me.

"Okay then..."

Mwhahaha! With the money I can save it until I have enough to buy a ring. Then eventually enough to pay for our wedding. We can get married in a space station!

Maybe the hippo gods will help marry us.

"Keith! Introduce yourself and your boyfriend!"

Pidge pointed the camera at me again along with Lance.

"I'm Keith. I know martial arts so don't fuck with me,"

What the fuck should I say.

"I'm Keith. Wait, I already said that! Don't put that in!"

I pointed behind me to my future husband.

"This is Lance a cryptid cosplayer. If you don't know what he's cosplaying as then get the fuck out of here you uncultured swine."

"Okay that was Keith and Lance. Next is Space Daddy!"

"That is not my name."

"Shhhh. Just go along with it."

"Those of you with a daddy kink. Hit him up."

"Keith no."

"His safe word is harder."

"Keith!"

"This is going in the video."

"Pidge please no."

I only saw Pidge grin behind the camera.

"As interesting as this is. Maybe we should do something else in our first video. This won't get us much subscribers." Pidge put their camera away and got their phone out.

"Pidge? This isn't illegal is it?" Shiro questioned.

After Shiro's question did you know what they did? They fucking cackled.  
Keith, we are so fucked. Shut up Keith we do crazy shit all the time. Well don't you think it's time to think logically now? Umm no. Shit you're right.

After my debate with myself I focused on Pidge again.

They looked up from their phone.

"So you know how I bought that helicopter, right?"

Umm no.

...

"Just fucking climb down the latter already you little bitch!" Pidge yelled from the Hollywood sign. They were sitting on the Hollywood sign.

"I'm going to jail. The police are going to arrest me." Shiro was mumbling to himself.

I shrug. I climb down the latter hanging down the side of the helicopter and reach down to the sign. Once I was situated Lance just gracefully glides down and sits on top of the sign next to me.

Look at him and him and his dreamy wings.

"Shiro hurry up! We need the thumbnail!"

Shiro eventually goes along with everything and sits on the Hollywood sign.

"Finally after ten years."

"Shut up Keith." He slaps me on the shoulder lightly.

"Ahem, here we go...Like, comment, and subscribe for more content. This is the Green, Red, Blue, and Black Paladins signing out!"

"Paladins?"

"Thought it was cool."

"Paladins, huh? Got a nice ring to it."

"Also why is there an extra person in the helicopter."

"Extra camera man. Wave to the camera. We need a good thumbnail and click bait title."

"How about just name it what we did. Sitting on top of the Hollywood sign. Exclamation point."

"Good enough."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 3 pm and I'm doing an all nighter. I'm kinda on the verge of passing out.


	10. Ideas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ideas for future fics and other stuff

**Batfamily AU Crack FIC**

**Chapter 1 written. Undecided if I'm gonna post it.**

"Sugar Honey Ice Tea! We're so gonna die!" Lance shouted

"Finally." Shiro casually spoke.

"Now is not the time for your dark sense of humor!"

"...Did you really quote Madagascar right before our inevitable death?" Hunk questioned.

Follow the misadventures of the crime fighting family as they somehow save the day and not die, occasionally.

 

**Ben 10 AU**

**Chapter 1 written (undecided if I'm gonna post it)**

"Siri, what do you do when you get alien technology stuck to your wrist?" Lance said into his phone.

"Go suck a dick, Lance." Siri responded.

"God dammit Pidge."

Shiro takes Lance, Keith, Hunk, and Pidge on a road trip for their summer break. They all get alien technology stuck on them and become heroes? Who's bright idea was it to send alien tech to one adult and four teens with the mindset of a six year old.

**Mystic messenger AU**

**Chapter 1 written (undecided if I'm gonna post it)**

Lance has joined the conversation.

Red: Who the fuck are you?

Hunk: Hacker! HACKER!

Princess: Pidge can you trace this person?"

Pidge: They're at...Shiro's apartment.

Lance was not expecting to become part of a fundraising association that needs to get their shit together after being kidnapped and sent to some apartment.

**Marvel AU**

**Process of planning**

Shiro based on Captain America/ Winter Soldier

Keith based on Black Widow or Spiderman or daredevil (undecided)

Lance based on Hawkeye or Starlord or Deadpool (undecided)

Hunk based on Hulk

Pidge based on Iron Man

Allura based on Thor

Lotor based on Loki

**Young Justice AU**

**An idea. Undecided if I'm gonna write it.**

Shiro based on Nightwing

Allura based on Miss Martian

Keith based on Superboy

Lance based on Aqualad or Blue Beetle or Kid Flash (undecided)

Hunk based on Beast boy (undecided)

Pidge based on (Tim Drake)Robin

 

 


	11. Dave is a Better Dolphin!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang end up in Hawaii. They try to come up with video ideas possibly think of a stupid idea but hey its content!

 

**The Not So Great Adventures of Keith and his Cryptid Boyfriend**

**(Not Really) Fun fact about this universe: Keith's mind is mostly based off of my mind. I'm fucking weird.**

_**Keith's pov** _

_**  
** _

"This road trip is so not a road trip anymore." I focused my attention on the handle of my suitcase.

"Yeah. It feels more like a payed vacation. Freedom." Pidge chimed in.

"Why do we need a camera man for our vlogs?" I asked.

"Hey, don't diss Hunk." Pidge responded.

"Hunk?"

"He's the camera man."

"Yeah. Well, we don't need a camera man."

"Pssht! You're just jealous that Hunk and Lance get along so well." Pidge raised one eyebrow with a smug look on their face.

"I'm not jealous."

I am so jealous.

I turn my head to see Hunk and Lance hugging. Lance was fluttering his wings with joy as he wrapped his arms around Hunk for dear life.

Lance doesn't hug me like that.

Nooo only Hunk gets those hugs.

Gurl my man will not be takin away!

"I'm totally not jealous. I mean those hugs last way to long. They get into awkward hug territory right there."

"Okay for sure...Let's start our vlog! Keith do the intro." Hunk turned and pointed the camera on Keith. While Lance decided to watch everyone through the viewfinder.

"This is Voltron. We are currently at the airport waiting for our plane." I spoke to the camera.

"Bitch we're going to Hawaii!" Pidge chimed in.

"Or more specifically Oahu."

"I'm going to make Shiro wear one of those stereotypical tourist shirts."

"Where is Shiro?"

"He's by the plugs charging his phone and trying to download supernatural episodes before we get on."

"Doesn't he know that you downloaded all of it on your laptop?"

"Would he be downloading it on his phone if he knew." Pidge raised one eyebrow.

"You're not going to tell him...You monster."

"Mwhahaha."

...

Damn that was such as fast trip. Almost as if the author did a time skip to avoid writing about our airplane experience. 

"Welcome to Hawaii!" Pidge shouted as we were escorted to a car to take us to our hotel.

Lance and I were the last ones to get in. I buckled Lance's seat belt for him and he leaned his head on my shoulder...Am I crying? Are these tears of joy? No! It's liquid pride!

As the driver was taking us to our hotel Pidge decided to start a conversation.

"Listen here our first video fucking trended and they are expecting more."

"They?"

"The viewers! The audience!"

"So?" Shiro questioned.

"We have to top our first video! We need content! That's why Keith-"

"No." Shiro bluntly said.

"You didn't even hear me out."

"Yeah Shiro you didn't even hear them out." I was slightly offended when he immediately cut off Pidge when they said my name.

"Anything that involves Keith has the high possibility of turning into something illegal."

What blasphemy is-

No, wait. That's true.

Still though. #offended. #don't even care that I'm saying hashing in my mind.

...Damn I want pancakes. Or waffles. Pancakes and waffles? Pancakes or waffles? Half pancake and half waffle. Panffle? Wacake?

This unnecessary inner dialogue just took a fucking turn into 'What the fuckville'.

"Keef-"

"Huh?" I focused my attention on Lancey.

"Pidge want ideas for," Lance expression turned confused for a second before he found the right work, "video! They want video ideas!"

"Let's set something on fire."

Shiro facepalmed.

Pidge looked like they were actually considering it. I'm starting to think she's becoming a David Dobrik rip off.

I think Hunk looks genuinely concerned. For me? Probably for the wellbeing of others.

"Let me tweak that idea, Keithy boy. Jet skiing while on fire." Pidge presented the idea like it was the best thing in the world.

Top ten worst ways to die compilations.

Is it concerning since that was the first thing to come to my mind.

I look at Shiro and he has the face of someone so done with life.

...

"Keith all you need to do is a double back flip off the yacht into the ocean while on fire then find some dolphins to take you back to land! It's not that hard!"

"..."

Shiro was done putting up a fight and just decided to relax. He was currently sitting up on a chair that the yacht has with sun glasses on and reading Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. Just to be more extra he had a glass of pog with ice and an tiny umbrella in it.

"Yeah that's right Harry. You are a fucking wizard." Shiro unconsciously said out loud.

Yeah...

"Pidge, does Keef have to be on fire or as you call it actually #lit fam?" Lance wore an expression of genuine confusion. Even when he's confused he's so cute.

"Lance I know you are worried for your hus- boyfriend but there are medical professionals here to help if things go wrong. Also we need content."

"Medical professionals who? I only see the person manning the yacht."

"It's called Google bitch."

Dead. I am so dead. R.i.p to me. I still need to marry Lance. Lance needs to say my name correctly. Quick make up an excuse!

"Pidge are you sure this will top our first video?"

Pidge went into deep thought.

"Yeah, I guess you have a point."

I live to see another day.

"We need fireworks!"

Oh no.

Pidge takes out their phone, dials a number, and puts the phone by their ear.

"Hey yo John! I'm going to need fireworks. How much? Just bring a couple of the big ones."

The big ones?

That moment was the time that I knew that I was so fucked.

...

"Light him up!"

They set me on fire. They actually set me on fire as I stood on the very top of the yacht with Hunk filming.

This is terrible. Why did I say we should set something on fire. Because I thought something or someone else would be set on fire. Curse my love of setting fires...in the most legal ways.

Got em.

Damn is it getting hot in here or is it just me? Literally. I imagine myself slapping my knee.

"Keith double back flip!"

I flip the bird to Pidge and back flip off the yacht into the water only once. Yeah one back flip cause I'm such a rebel.

What's that smell? Burning hair. Oh well. That's future me's problem.

I swear when I got into the water and I saw them I was done.

Dolphins.

Are you actually kidding me.

But here's the punchline I could understand them.

_"Look at those stupid humans!"_

_"Yeah what the coral are they doing?"_

_"Who knows. Should we mess with them."_

I glare at them.

_"Bro, Dave, I think that one understands us."_

_"Oh starfish..."_

I point at them then at myself trying to convey what my message through my eyes and body language.

_'You are going to take me back to land or so help me I will gut you like a fish'_

_"Dave you know what to do."_ The dolphin said with a sigh.

_"Yeah...I'll meet you back at the cove Derrick."_

Derrick swam away and Dave gave me a knowing looking.

_"Grab my fin human."_

I did so and he swam to the surface. I greedily take in a breath of air.

I could hear the sound of firework slowly get fainter as I got closer to land.

Once I was close enough I let go of Dave and he swam away.

_"Bye human!"_

So that just happened.

"Keef!"

Lance tackled me to the ground.

"Keef! I was so worried! You didn't come up from air for a while then like whoosh! You were swimming with a dolphin!"

Haha! I'm getting a hug better then the one Hunk got! He's so warm I could just fall asleep in his arms and just hug him forever with no interrupt-

"So Keith..." Hunk spoke with guilt in his tone.

"Funny story but during filming Hunk went to the lowest part of the yacht next to the railing to get as close as possible while you were getting farther away and," Shiro added.

"As I leaned on the railing when I was filming a dolphin just came out of nowhere and took the camera out of my hand with its mouth! I'm sorry Keith!" Hunk finished.

"Hunk it's not your fault." I reassured him.

Then it dawned on me. Derrick...

"Keith we're going to have to do it again." Pidge said.

DERRICK!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pog is passion orange guava and it's so flap jacking good.
> 
> Remember kids don't set yourself on fire and back flip off a yacht. Chances are you'll probably injure yourself or die.  
> 


	12. I Swear on Sweet Baby Santa Claus!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #Lit Fam

**The Not So Great Adventures of Keith and his Cryptid Boyfriend**

**(Not Really) Fun fact about this universe: Shiro can speak and read Japanese fluently. I only took Japanese 1 so... I'll just have to find a loop hole in the future...**

 

"Deck the halls motherfuckers!" Pidge screamed as they blasted airhorns from our car window.

Currently we are driving back home in my impala. After questionable events and somehow getting famous on the Internet we're heading home...Temporarily.

I think back to my past conversation.

"So Christmas is coming." Shiro stated as he sipped tea.

At the moment we were still in Hawaii relaxing on the beach. Pidge, Lance, and Hunk were currently getting shaved ice while Shiro and I waited.

"Yep."

"Just yep? Don't you want to go back home for the holiday?"

"Meh."

Shiro gave me the most bland look.

"We are going back home for the holidays."

I shrugged my shoulders, "Okay."

End of conversation. Pretty anticlimatic.

You might be wondering why temporarily? Well, Shiro was born in America but always wanted to visit Japan. And here I was trying to be a good siblings and suprise him for Christmas but nooo. Now I have to wait till after Christmas.

Or after New Years.

Oh yes definitely after New Years. Mwhahaha! I started to evil laugh in my head. My plan for New Years brewing in my head.

"Yo dumbass get our shit out of the trunk!" Pidge shouted.

I sighed and started to take our luggage inside while Hunk got to unbuckle Lance. That was my thing!

When I was done I collapsed on the living room couch.

"First things first we need a tree!" Shiro clasped his hands together and smiled cheerfully.

Oh no. He's going bat shit crazy again with decorations. I remember last year he had a battle of the house decorations with our neighbor.

They were trying to one up us with their light up moving Rudolph the red nose reindeer. But Shiro prevailed after threatening Matt to make a light up, dancing, singing, and yes even melting Frosty the snowman.

Frosty didn't do too well with the neighborhood kids.

I can still hear the parents screaming as they witnessed their kids laughing maniacally while they watched Frosty's slow painful death.

"Keith, Christmas is tomorrow! Hurry up and get your shit together!"

"Yeah Keith." Pidge smirked.

"Pidge you are setting up the decorations for the yard."

"Fuck."

Karma is a bitch.

...

Everything was lit fam.

Pidge tinkered with the decorations for the outside. Even poor Frosty. She saw a spark and well...

The house was currently on fire.

The neighbors were cheering at our utter defeat of the decorations. While Shiro cussed them out leaving behind boy scout personality.

On the plus side though...Lance and Hunk made some bomb ass cookies. Double chocolate chip and sugar cookies. Fuck yeah. I held Lance's hand as we both ate cookies while looking at the disaster.

"Who did it?" Shiro asked calmly.

"Did what?"

"Set our home on fire!"

Is it getting warm out here or is it just me.

"I swear on sweet baby Santa Claus that I did not do it!" I confirmed.

"We can just buy another house with our money." Pidge offered the suggestion.

"That's not the point! What about our memories we made here!" Shiro argued.

"Bullshit. You hated this house, remember? How the floors creak, when we found a squirrel living in our bathroom, and the battle of the dust bunnies."

Shiro looked like he was processing.

"Fuck you're right."

Shiro went to his car that was parked on the side of the road, opened it then the glove compartment, and took out a bag of marshmallows.

I asked one question, "Why?"

"A man needs his mallows." Shiro then proceeded to roast marshmallows on his keys.

The SpongeBob campfire song lingered in my head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a calm chapter to get you in the mood for the holidays.


	13. Bonus Chapter: Fire, Milk, and Sharpie?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith is just a high school student who is completely and entirely innocent...

**The Not So Great Adventures of Keith the High Schooler**

**(Not Really) Fun fact about this universe: Keith is in 11th grade and owns a blowtorch.**

_**Keith p.o.v** _

 

"Shiro, get the car and floor it when I'm in the middle of the road."

"It must be serious since you're starting to talk like me."

"...I hate math."

I brought out a flamethrower and burned all of my math notes and books. The backyard finally has the sweet smell of death. I decided to dance around the fire and sing the campfire song.

All of the hours I wasted studying. Only to forget it once I started the test. It's like my brain wants to beat the shit out of me. The moment I'm confident and feel like I got it, it just ends up out the window at the most important moment.

Math can go fuck itself and die out once the zombie apocalypse comes. And it will come!

"This isn't really a big deal." Shiro witnessed the ashes float in the air.

"I flunked my final and now I have an F."

Why me? Can't I be blessed with not only great driving skills but brains too? Maybe we can be graded on how many times you can say 'gotta blast'.

"I have a brilliant idea. To the bat mobile!"

Shiro sighed for the millionth time that week. Believing that this idea couldn't be as bad as the last one. Trying to sue Disney for making children believe that the costume wearing employees are the real characters.

...

"You plan on sneaking into the school on the weekend, to vandalize the building. Then make Pidge hack the school computers, give you a better grade, and steal their overpriced chocolate milk?"

"I call it operation S.I.T.S.O.T.W.T.V.T.B.T.M.P.H.T.S.C.G.Y.A.B.G.A.S.T.O.C.M," I took a big gulp of air "Which stands for sne-"

"Yes, I get it."

Maybe the operation name needs work. Operation The Good Kush.

Wait. That kinda implies drugs. Which we are obviously not getting...right? I wouldn't be suprised if they added a little something special in the milk and food to tame the wild beasts that are teenagers.

Operation Got Milk?

Why can't naming operations be as easy as cryptid hunting.

"Hey, Siri? Call Pidge."

"Alright. Calling The Greatest Person To Ever Exist and Go Suck A Dick Keith."

"..."

Pidge answered the call, "Sup bitches."

"When?"

"The day you passed out after mixing coffee, Red Bull, and Monster to study for the finals."

"Why?"

"...So what do you need on this fine evening?"

"School. Hack. Operation Got Milk? Bring a duffel bag."

"Be there in 10."

Since Shiro and I were already at the school, I took a good minute to think about my actions. Will I regret my actions? Probably not. Is this the right thing to do? Some would say no but I say yes. Should I consider readjusting my moral compass...Debatable.

"Shiro I'm suprised." I said out of nowhere.

"Hmm." Shiro answered tiredly. Considering it was one in the morning.

"You're actually going along with this."

"Someone has to make sure you don't get arrested."

"I've been in enough illegal situations to not be caught."

"What was that?"

"Oh look I see Pidge!"

Pidge was carrying a duffel probably larger then their whole body. Also wearing a black turtleneck?

"Nice turtleneck."

"I wanted to embody Archer."

"Who's Archer?"

"Sorry, I can't hear you over the deafening sound of my own awesomeness."

Pidge walks up to the entrance and pulls on the door.

It's obviously not going to be open. The school-

Pidge opened the door and strolled to the labs.

"I gotta do something before I hack.".

"Mess with the chemistry stuff?"

"That's for me to know and you to find out."

And so here we are. Pidge was doing stuff with questionable chemicals while Shiro drew dicks on the teachers desk. With sharpie.

"Mr. Roger was a lil bitch. Fucking, had it out for me I swear. I aced the final project and you know what grade he gave me? He gave me a B. I deserve an A." I could see Shiro's grip tighten on the Sharpie.

"Why a B?"

"I didn't write the date properly. I put the month then day but forgot the year at the end. What bullshit."

This...was a new side of Shiro that I never want to see again.

"Got it!" Pidge cheered.

"What'd you make?" I immediately ask.

"I created the zombie apocalypse!"

"Pretty sure someone else came up with that concept."

"No shit Sherlock. I created a special "medicine", and with the right amount of dosage can make the victim show symptoms of zombie like qualities." Pidge held up a ton of vials with glowing purple liquid in it.

So the large duffel bag...

"What's in the duffel?" I knew something was up! Totally.

"Paint ball guns, black face paint, and camo vests."

"Can we use it on the teachers?" Shiro eerily whispered.

Shiro had put down the sharpie and walked towards the coffee maker that was located in the corner of the classroom/lab.

"Mr. Roger always prepared his coffee beforehand. So when he came to school all he had to do was press the on button and it would brew."

"You remembered his coffee drinking routine?"

"Hand me the vial."

He didn't have to ask Pidge twice.

"So exactly how much is enough for them to get fucked over?" I inspected the other vials closer.

"I'd say half of the vial. More than that may be dangerous."

"Oops." Shiro bluntly announced with the most blank face.

The whole vial was empty. Purple tinted the water in the coffee maker. Mr. Roger will be fine I think.

"Alright, I'll hack while you guys get the vials into all of the chocolate milk cartons."

Chocolate milk? Hold the phone. I wanted to borrow (steal) the chocolate milk! Zombies or milk? Zombies...Milk...

"Farewell chocolate milk." It wasn't a tear but liquid pride.

"Aren't you lactose intolerant?" Pidge's eyes didn't move from the screen as the sound of tapping echoed through the room.

But before I could answer Allstar started playing through the whole school. I looked around the lab and Shiro wasn't spotted. I came to one realization.

"Oh god. It's his theme song."

 

_**To be continued...** _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically failed my finals and I now have a grade that's not passing. Keith is based on me. 
> 
> HeY nOw YoU'rE aN aLl StAr


	14. Katy Got Nothing on This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fireworks and a surprise.

**The Not So Great Adventures of Keith and his Cryptid Boyfriend**

_**Keith's pov** _

 

"We don't have a house yet and we're sleeping in an empty parking lot for an abondonned Denny's and," Shiro took one deep breath in. Handling himself pretty well from all the bullshit that is happening, "You want to buy fireworks for a youtube video."

"Not just fireworks." Pidge added.

Honestly, I'm just here for the food. Hunk said he would cook on this portable stove and bitch I'm all for that.

"What do you mean about "not just fireworks", Pidge?" The Shiro Dad voice is making another appearance.

"Well, you will be dressed as Captain America. Lance and Keith will fly towards the fireworks and dance in the air. While I supervise."

Wait, what? I didn't sign up for this.

"Hold up," I interrupt Pidge, "Me, Lance, and fireworks. What if he gets hurt?"

My boo ain't going to die on my watch.

"Then you both will go down together. Which will be sad but I got a plan if that happens."

"What's the plan?"

Pidge smirked, "I'll show you."

Pidge then proceeded to take a couple of steps towards the car. When the distance between them and the car was small they started to speak again.

"Hey Alexa, play Despacito."

Despacito started to play loudly from the car.

Why just why...

Oh no, it's actually a nightcore trap remix of Despacito.

"Feel the wrath of memes you uncultured swine."

This is why mom doesn't fucking love you.

"After all my character development in the show and I get this!" I yelled.

"Show?" Shiro questioned.

"Not now Shiro, if you can't tell I'm currently having my mid life crisis over Despacito." I gave him the hand as I moonwalk away.

Lance, where are you? I'm surrounded by an evil gremlin. Who wants to light fireworks. And possibly film us going to the hospital...

Wait, Hunk took him to buy groceries. Pssht! What does Hunk have that I don't. Sure he gives the best hugs, can cook great food, comfort a person, and fix basically anything....Where was my point?

I have great qualities. I can stab a person on instinct.

Ya never know when you want a person like that. Also I have the ability to stay up for three nights on just ten cans of monster.

"We're back!" I heard Hunk's voice slowly get louder as he walked closer.

"We brought the goods!" Lance dropped the grocery bags near the car and ran towards.

I started to run towards him to have a beautiful moment, might I add, but was rudely interrupted.

"Lance! Can you help me with the food!" Hunk was setting up the portable stove.

He had put a couple of blankets on the ground with the stove on top. And as Lance was getting near, Hunk took off his jacket so Lance sit on it. Hunk wanted to help cushion Lance from the ground even more.

Is he trying to get with my man? Shiro, hold my hoops! Felisha ain't gonna get with him today, tomorrow, or in this fucking lifetime.

"Wow Keithy boy I think green suit you more than me." Pidge's voice startled me from my thoughts.

"Green? What do you mean?"

"You're obviously jealous. I can tell from the look on your face and that you were reaching towards your imaginary hoop earrings."

Fuck I was doing that? Note to self: Stop doing that.

"Anyway you're being an over dramatic bitch if you think Hunk is like that. He even cries when he sees that the ducks don't all get even amounts of bread." Pidge bluntly said.

"Really?" Sis spill the tea.

"Yeah and when I told him that bread isn't really the best thing to feed them he started to apologize to the ducks."

Maybe I am being too dramatic. Hunk is a great friend and possibly the closes to being the perfect human being.

"Keith, Pidge, Shiro! Let's eat!" Lance shouted happily.

Food was cooking on the stove and it looks delicious. It was basically korean barbecue but at the back of a Denny's.

We all sat together and it was actually perfect. Or as perfect as it could possibly be.

Lance offered to feed me and boy I am not missing that chance.

"What piece do you want first Keef?" Lance held up his plastic fork.

Is it back that my immediate reaction was to say "that ass"?

Then Pidge started to talk about her plan, "So fireworks, dancing, and Shiro. Hunk you ready?"

"Fireworks after the fourth of July? Oh, are we going to be one of those people."

"Just record for the damn video."

 

* * *

 

Many things went down during this late fourth of July.

Some guy walked to us while carrying a plastic bag of fireworks and a costume, "Here's the stuff." Then handed the bag to Pidge.

There was already a red flag at this point. Plastic bag, really? What a fucking monster.

"Thanks Larry." Pidge gave him about three dollars.

"It's Conner." The firework boy replied.

"Whatever Steve." Pidge made a shooing motion with their hand.

Then Shiro got his costume on.

"Why the fuck does Captain America need a tight ass costume when he fights. I get that he looks good but," Shiro kept on shifting uncomfortably,  "Holy sweet baby Jesus this sucks."

"Woah there Captain! Language." Pidge sarcasticly muttered.

After that Hunk started recording and the fireworks were set off. Well at least we thought were fireworks.

Turns out there were something more dangerous but we can talk about it. Pidge threatened us that they would do something worse then death.

You thought that after the firework incident we would finally be done. No. You're wrong.

An army of ducks suddenly waddled towards us or more specifically Hunk.

"They've come for me. They know about the bread." Hunk was petrified with fear.

He went into fetal position but after a few pecks from random ducks they waddled passed him and went to Shiro.

It was love at first quack for the ducks.

Imagine this, a swarm of ducks chasing Captain America. What has my life come to.

"He even runs like a dad trying to get to different houses as quickly as possible on Halloween."

And that was our late fourth of July. It was pretty tame compared to our other days.

"Keef?" A beautiful voice snapped me out of my narration.

"Yes my love?"

"Let's get married!" Lance went on one knee with a ring pop in his hand.

**To be continued?**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just watched Deadpool 2. Some references (kinda)?
> 
> Anyway how are you? I'm dying of heat...I suck at socializing.

**Author's Note:**

> I really have no idea what is going on in my tired delirious mind.


End file.
